demodulated

My wife and I are doing our best to rely less heavily on takeout food, and have been buying more ingredients and easily-prepared meals.  A commercial on my parents’ TV for Uncle Ben’s Entrees enticed me to try the product.  In the advert, fluffy, separated grains of dry-looking rice with juicy chunks of chicken are enjoyed by a slim, sexy woman who is so exhausted from work that she can’t be bothered to wear a shirt (seriously, she’s wearing a bra in a rice ad).  I’m exhausted, hungry, and mostly nude after work as well so Betty Bazooms made an impression on me.  The product looked similar to dishes I often order from restaurants so this looked right up my alley.  I bought a package for about $4 from the local grocer.

I squished the bag gently to separate the contents, made a small tear in the top of the bag, and stuck it in my microwave for 90 seconds as per the instructions.  I let it cool for a bit and poured it into a bowl.  There’s no way to cook this stuff incorrectly.  Heat bag, eat bag.

This stuff looked like cat food.  It was a gelatinous mass; a far cry from the cascading single grains in the commercial.  I squeezed the contents out like toothpaste and the resulting mush stood firm like lumpy mashed potatoes.  Bachelor chow.  But heck, I’ve eaten worse-looking stuff so I dug in.

One dig is all I could eat before it went in the garbage.  I had a zen-like moment where I truly understood the scientific term "bolus".  I’m amazed I could swallow it.

I’m not being dramatic here.  I am by no means a picky eater.  I spent a good span of my life subsisting on no-name white cheddar macaroni.  I enjoy McDonalds.  So help me, I even eat my wife’s vegetarian meat substitutes ("goo on a stick", we call it).

This Uncle Ben’s Bistro Entrée was perhaps the saltiest thing I had ever put in my mouth.  Before dumping this gruel in the trash I picked the empty package out and cursed myself for not having read the nutritional information before purchase.

1.3 grams of salt per 250g package.  That’s about 1 in 200 parts salt.  Over half the recommended daily intake.  Salt and some kind of spicy powder are all I could taste while gumming this lumpy mulch.

Uncle Ben’s Bistro Entrées are simply repulsive.  Do not poison yourself or your family with this product.

Here’s the official information page on this product:

http://www.unclebens.ca/en-ca/products/bistro_express_entrees/mexican_style_beef.aspx