Lemon, lime, and longing?

As I read about Coca-Cola’s hundreds of soft drink brands I’m terribly amused by their little write-ups.  Some drinks are anthropomorphized, while others have been pre-ordained as the ideal gruel for test tube babies born from the same batch.  Creepiest of all is their attempts to impose a Pavlovian response, with all the grace of a plastic Coke bottle doorstop, entwining your precious memories with their sugar water.

Accompanied by their ads it’s clear to see how marketers use these product bios as a primer.


This thirst-quenching beverage features a fresh, light lemon-lime taste and fun-loving attitude. It’s a home-grown, national treasure in India, where it was acquired by The Coca-Cola Company in 1993. Limca continues to build a loyal following among young adults who love the lighthearted way it complements the best moments of their lives.
Available in the following flavor: Lemon Lime.
Available in the following locations: India, Nigeria, United Arab Emirates and Zambia.

Oh Limca, when I succumb to your carefree effervescence I feel like a shampoo model cavorting in a lemonade waterfall on a baking soda shore!



sunfill Sunfill:
In some locations, Sunfill is 100% orange juice. In other locations, it’s a juice drink that combines great fruit taste and fun for kids, with the nutritious vitamins and minerals parents feel good about serving.
Available in the following flavors: Apple, Blackcurrant, Blackcurrant Grenadine Raspberry, Coconut Pineapple, Kiwi Mango, Mango, Orange, Passionfruit, Pineapple and Strawberry.
Available in the following locations: Djibouti, Hong Kong, Indonesia, Kenya, Macau (Macao), Mauritius, Mongolia, Morocco, Nepal, Tanzania and United States.

I love Sunfill when I’m in the mood for 100% juice, or something with great fruit taste, but not both.




Pibb Xtra:
In 2001, Pibb Xtra was introduced as a bolder version of the original Mr. Pibb taste. Its bold taste and graphics appeal to young adults who are looking to get the most out of life and the most out of their soft drink. It appeals to teens who are just gaining independence from home and looking for things to call their own. The soft drink enables them to have an uninhibited, fun and unconventional attitude and touts the sweet, refreshing bold taste they need to express their independence.
Available in the following flavor: Cherry Spice.
Available in the following locations: Mariana Islands and United States.

It’s boldly made with Xtra syrup to give aspiring teens that “cookies for dinner when I move out” epiphany they crave.



htmgHtml070 Oasis:
Oasis is a range of refreshing noncarbonated fruit juice drinks with a light-hearted, grown-up attitude. It’s for working twenty-somethings who know what they want out of life.
Available in the following flavors: Apple Blackcurrant, Berry, Blackcurrant, Blueberry Pomegranate, Orange Tangerine and Passionfruit.
Available in the following locations: Great Britain, Northern Ireland and Republic of Ireland.

The drink for the fledgling professional whose borderline racist TV commercials can surely be shrugged off as innocent naiveté.

htmgHtml395 VIVA!:
VIVA! is a natural mineral water brand for young adults who live healthy and active lifestyles.
Available in the following flavor: Unflavored.
Available in the following location: Philippines.

For vivacious Generation Y-ers who want something flavourless and will scream its name to get it.




Uncle Ben’s Bistro Entrées

My wife and I are doing our best to rely less heavily on takeout food, and have been buying more ingredients and easily-prepared meals.  A commercial on my parents’ TV for Uncle Ben’s Entrees enticed me to try the product.  In the advert, fluffy, separated grains of dry-looking rice with juicy chunks of chicken are enjoyed by a slim, sexy woman who is so exhausted from work that she can’t be bothered to wear a shirt (seriously, she’s wearing a bra in a rice ad).  I’m exhausted, hungry, and mostly nude after work as well so Betty Bazooms made an impression on me.  The product looked similar to dishes I often order from restaurants so this looked right up my alley.  I bought a package for about $4 from the local grocer.

I squished the bag gently to separate the contents, made a small tear in the top of the bag, and stuck it in my microwave for 90 seconds as per the instructions.  I let it cool for a bit and poured it into a bowl.  There’s no way to cook this stuff incorrectly.  Heat bag, eat bag.

This stuff looked like cat food.  It was a gelatinous mass; a far cry from the cascading single grains in the commercial.  I squeezed the contents out like toothpaste and the resulting mush stood firm like lumpy mashed potatoes.  Bachelor chow.  But heck, I’ve eaten worse-looking stuff so I dug in.

One dig is all I could eat before it went in the garbage.  I had a zen-like moment where I truly understood the scientific term "bolus".  I’m amazed I could swallow it.

I’m not being dramatic here.  I am by no means a picky eater.  I spent a good span of my life subsisting on no-name white cheddar macaroni.  I enjoy McDonalds.  So help me, I even eat my wife’s vegetarian meat substitutes ("goo on a stick", we call it).

This Uncle Ben’s Bistro Entrée was perhaps the saltiest thing I had ever put in my mouth.  Before dumping this gruel in the trash I picked the empty package out and cursed myself for not having read the nutritional information before purchase.



1.3 grams of salt per 250g package.  That’s about 1 in 200 parts salt.  Over half the recommended daily intake.  Salt and some kind of spicy powder are all I could taste while gumming this lumpy mulch.

Uncle Ben’s Bistro Entrées are simply repulsive.  Do not poison yourself or your family with this product.

Here’s the official information page on this product: